Lifestyle

Depression

September 1, 2019 / 577 Comments

Depression is real and a lot of people live with it on a yearly, monthly, daily basis, more than you probably know.  They could be your neighbor, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, co-worker, parents, anyone. The one thing that people with depression are scared of is saying ‘I have depression.’…

…so here we go, ‘I suffer from depression and anxiety and it runs in my family and I’m the first to admit it.’

My Son and I 

This past year my oldest son has been going through a lot and a lot of you know that being a teenager is not easy, it’s a struggle to figure out how you fit into this world.  We have become a lot closer in the last 6 months because he has opened up to me about his struggles with depression. His depression was triggered by a heartbreak and has had a snowball effect from there and it made me realize, ‘you’re just like me.’ 

This past week, he came into my room, in the same manner that most of our conversations about his depression start, very impromtu and starts with “I’m Depressed.”  This night was different. He starts with, ‘You don’t understand mom, I need certain things to be in my life the way I want them and if I don’t I’m not going to be happy.”  When he said that I knew it was time I open up to him and let him know that we are more alike than he thinks. When he said that I say, ‘oh my love I get you more than you think.  Son, I get it, I have depression as well and it gets triggered over the same thing as you, being alone.’

Being Alone

This last year has been about being ok with me.  I’ve accepted the fact that I have anxiety about being alone, like truely embracing being alone.  Yes, if you know me, I’ve gone to Bali by myself for 2 weeks, but guess what? Most of the time I was there, I didn’t think I was good enough because I was sharing this beauty by myself and not with my person.  However, during that trip I knew that I was on the right path to heal my depression and anxiety of being alone.     

It’s gives me anxiety to think of being alone.  I’ve been this way all my life, hence why I have the track record that I do when it comes to how I choose and handle relationships.  I would turn into a chameleon with anyone that I was in a relation with (friends, family, romantic). I never had an identity – it was just my name, and then I’d be whoever you wanted me to be, just so that I wouldn’t be alone.

Through the recent years I was finding out that this was not healthy, and I didn’t love myself.  As soon as I was alone, here would depression come with his powerful presence and start telling me the untrue stories of how I am…

  • not good enough
  • pretty enough
  • stupid
  • don’t have an opinion, so just be quiet
  • never going to be skinny – so just eat whatever you want

Path of Healing

My practice of yoga has opened the doors to mindfulness, mindfulness with mediation.  Mediation has been the key to my healing, it brings me face to face with my mind and the untrue stories.  This space gives what I need to erase those untrue stories and replace them with my true stories like…

  • You do have a gift you can share with the world
  • You are smart and beautiful
  • You do not need to be scared of being alone 
  • You do love yourself just the way you are 

And I can say all of that while being ALONE in the mountains on my birthday weekend and being TRUELY 100% ok with all of that.  

My son and I have connected at a deeper level.  We mediate together, I guide him through mediations, and after this week he’ll have my recorded mediations that he can use for when I’m not with him.  After our conversation this past week, I looked him in the eyes and said ‘I love you so much, if you loved yourself as much as I do, you would see the world at your fingertips.  You are the reason I’m here where I am right now, I’m going to help us.” 

Depression is a serious mind game your mind plays on way too many people.  I can safely say that everyone who is reading this has a family and/or friend that suffers from depression and anxiety, and that’s too many people.  

I challenge you to pick up the phone and call a friend, to purely ask ‘Howzit going?’ 

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